Name: Former chapel with three bedrooms in North Lopham, Norfolk.
Asking Price: £ 490,000.
features: Floor heating, oak parquet, balustrading, graveyard.
Excuse me, have you just said … Glassy balustrading? I did it. This is not a conventional choice of material in any way, but that means you keep an unbroken line of sight on the property.
No, did you just say "cemetery"? That. Anyway, if I can only turn your attention to the double room for reception, which gives a remarkable feel to …
In the front garden is the cemetery? OK, look, if you'll be right, then there is a cemetery in the front garden. But the house is close to some schools with impressive Ofsted reports; is not that more important?
More important than all the dead people who rush under the windows of my living room? Listen, I know it's not ideal, but our hands are tied. As we have clearly pointed out on Rightmove: "The cemetery in front of the house is not part of the name of the chapel and remains owned by the Church of England, a lease of 999 years."
How long?! Frankly, I do not see what the problem is. When you're in the house, you're not really looking at the tombs because of the schedule. It may be that once a year, on the Halloween night, it becomes a problem, but most people can live with it.
Is that a joke? No, that's what Emmerson Dutton said this week for the Daily Mail. He is a partner in real estate agencies at Bedfords in Bury St Edmunds, and his job is actually to sell this place.
Oh God. That's why we could not sell it since it came to the market in April, did not it? That's why we had to exclude £ 100,000 from the initial price. You people. Everyone wants to live somewhere nice, is not it? But as soon as a dead body appears in the front garden, you become dead. Well, I guess with you.
I'm afraid the cemetery will really be a point of confusion. It's only 999 years! Come on, you can achieve that with aspiration chewing and light exercise. Then, as soon as you pledge, you can dig out all those poor people and throw them in the can. Come on, you're killing me here.
I'm sorry, it will have to be. That's fine, I fully understand. Now, can I be interested in a haunted fair? There were only minimal blood sacrifices there ever. Hi. Hi?!
Say: "Graves are not desirable feature properties."
Do not say: "Except London, where they would be rented as a charming studio for 2 million pounds of PCM."